my little journey..

I recall back few years ago, I had suicidal ideation, I self harmed, I attempted, I hear voices that made me stay up all night, I was literally on the edge to just put an end of my own life. If I have had snapped, I might have not made it to this day.

I have threatened my mom and my brother that I would take away my own life one day. and that, breaks my heart, having to threatened the people who are always there for me. I never go seek for therapy, but my friends are always there to listen, my mom's prayers helped me a lot I guess. 

and today, I am here. I am proud that I still made it this far in life. though I had triggered few times, I always give myself time to feel, and heal. and I am still healing, I don't know how but I'm still trying. 

not everyone can go through these the same way I do, but I trust you if you have ever gone through it, its okay. we break down sometimes, and life will always make us gasps for air, but I know you can make it. you will, cause I did. 

I still got triggers every now and then, when life is just too overwhelming and when things seem to be so much to carry. I just let it, I let myself feel it but I had to go back on my feet and start again. its okay to start back from zero again, but never go back to what hurt you. its okay to take your time to heal. 

I have had soo many triggers that I would sometimes feel like this is it, this is where I would put it all to an end; But I didn't. and I'm so glad I didn't. I am so glad that I still could feel things instead of being numb, cause numbing the emotions, numbing feelings are one of many ways of self harm. I did that before. and I know I would do it again, but I snap back before I get literally lost in the spiral of great depression. 

I am proud to say, family are the best healers. my brothers are always here even though they don't show it, my sisters will always be there when times are tough. and my mom, God what would I do without her? I still had flashbacks when my mom had to drove me to the Emergency when I overdosed, and that still breaks my heart to this day. 

I wouldn't say I was depressed cause I haven't had myself clinically diagnosed, but to go through those times and having those ideation. I think, it was the hardest time I have to go through all these years of my life. 

But hey, I made it here. and its so sad to see some of my friends that are strugling too. trust the process, slowly, go with your own pace. I have my own episodes of isolating myself from this world, I find it hard to confide. My close friends would only know I had those episodes after so long I tried to hide it from them.

I would go back to God every now and then, but sometimes questioning God, why me? God, do you hear me? God, I am hurting, can you please help me? I would always go back and forth with those questions, and sometimes questioning my own existence. my own purpose. 

But, hey. some had it harder than me. I guess I can go through this again. 

But if one day, I lose my battle. If one day, I caved in. Trust me, I tried. I have been trying for so long. But, I don't want to lose this fight. I really don't. 

I have guardian angels in the form of close friends and family. angels in disguised.