hello?

 um, hi?

I haven't written anything for quite some time now. probably, my first time writing after years. 

it is just that I have so much in my head that I need to get it out somewhere. and I can't properly function at the moment. and I feel as though I am bothering my friends if I were to open up to them and I hate the feeling when they feel responsible to make me okay again.

so, here's what it is. I am having another suicidal ideation episodes since late last year. and the thought that I am already healed is just merely my mind masking my emotions which then, eventually my mask fell off early this year.

and I hate this. I hate the thought of having no motivation and will to do just anything anymore. I hate the fact that my brain kept telling me I can go through this all over again alone, and I really hate the voices in my head for when I can't sleep at night. 

I can't lie, there were times that I cried myself to sleep at the thought of any of these are not getting any better. I refuse to get any help, but I've tried to bring myself to seek professional medical help, but I still didn't have the courage to do so. I'm not quite sure if this is just a burnout or I did something that triggers this. 

I have a hard time to fall asleep at night sometimes while other times I would be just sleeping my life away. I have tried to tell my friends that I am socially drained, but most of the time I still force myself to go out and I believe this is just me having burnouts. but, as time passed, I think it triggered my mental health. I have been having symptoms of minor anxiety and major depression. I can't seem to bring myself to tell this to my friends because I think I am a people pleaser, and I can't bring myself to say no to them most of the time. 

but now I think I am trying to avoid them and ghosting them. and it is quite hard when I have to work for 2 weeks and actually interact with people. I haven't felt okay lately....

I'm sorry...