weighing heavy

a lot of things weighing heavy on me these days,

the "what if"-s, the "maybe if"-s,

I'm not sure how to write this down, 

but I honestly felt that I have a lot of emotions suppressed within me.

no, I'm not mad, I wasn't even sad.

but there's just a little piece inside of me that still haven't quite healed yet.

I truly felt like I have kept walking on eggshells around everyone close to me, 

be it friends or family.

and I kinda felt that no one truly cares about me, 

no one even asks how I am doing these days,

how I'm holding up...

well. honestly, I have thought of ending "it" quite a few times now.

I hate this place, I hate this world,

It's true... it is a big bad world.

and funny how no one notices that.

and it is true someone somewhere had it harder than me,

but oh, best believe I am not strong anymore. 

I am tired and literally exhausted of just existing.

sometimes, I just want to disappear to a place,

where no one knows who I am, 

where no one would even try to start a conversation.

that I don't want to be involved in.

funny, how these days I felt sorry for ghosting a lot of people,

but. every interaction I had requires a lot of energy.

I would be damn drained. and I hate that. 

forced interactions.

I find peace in my room, in my house, on my bed,

doing nothing and just overthinking pretty much everything in life. 

I wasn't even surprised anymore when I get a panic attack.

I just felt maybe that was "the" time I had been waiting for. 

instead of me ending me, something else did. 

for at least that reason,

won't hurt the people around me.